Deja Vu

Sometimes this life confuses me. I have gone most of my life, very lucky, being able to have all of my immediate family. My parents are completely in love, they’ve had their ups and downs like any marriage, but the best way to describe their relationship…is just like the cartoon Pepe Le Peu. My dad of course being Pepe, and my mom the cat. It’s not until the end of every episode that the cat realizes she’s in love with Pepe and can’t live without him. I’ve always had my grandparents in my life, a big loving family on both sides. No divorces or that “family” member everyone avoids. I’ve never had that. We’ve had typical family issues here and there but for the most part I couldn’t have been more lucky to have such a supportive, loving and strong family. Until last summer, in August, I felt like nothing could ever change. Until my Dad’s father, my Grandpa John was diagnosed with brain cancer. He unfortunately lost his battle not to long after his diagnosis to pneumonia, something he pick up from going in an out of the hospital during his chemo and radiation treatments. Losing him, is still probably the hardest thing I’ve gone through, and I still don’t think I’m even ok with the thought. I honestly can’t really think about him because I just start crying, as I am now while I write about him. Gosh, I miss him. But my family pulled together through that and we didn’t “move on” but continued pushing forward in our lives. I know for me, always thinking about him, any moment my brain takes a break from my normal day-to-day life.

After that my job that I’ve had for a couple years changed. I couldn’t have been happier. I started feeling more motivated to work on my personal business as well, and almost felt like I was on this high point in my life. Completely happy in my relationship with my wonderful boyfriend, who is amazingly supportive of what I do and my dreams and goals in life. I’ve never met such an understanding and thoughtful man. I truly am happier than I have been in such a long time.

Then just a few weeks ago my Mom’s dad, my Nonno Frank (Italian grandfather), started getting sick. He started to get jaundice and having issues eating, and started to feel pretty weak. After taking him to the doctor they noticed a lump in stomach near his liver. This past week he has been in the hospital, had a couple scheduled procedures to help remove the bile in his system causing him to have the jaundice. They also did a biopsy of this mass. Which, they found out…was cancer. Luckily we have some hope in this situation. The mass is isolated, and doesnt seem to be very aggressive at this point. So we have the hopes that we could possibly remove it and he’d be fine. So at this point we are waiting to see what happens and what the Doctors suggest are the next steps in this process. When my Mom told me, all I could think of is…”why?” It was only a few short months ago we went through this for the first time with my other grandpa, and now again?

I can’t help but think, how lucky I am to have known my family and been able to enjoy the company of all four of my grandparents up until now, I’m almost 28, that is very rare. I feel truly special that I’ve had that opportunity. But now I am scared. Now I feel like, from this point forward all of the most important people in my life are going to start disappearing one by one, until I go. I realize that this is the natural part of life and death. But it’s starting to scare me, because I haven’t had to deal with it before. It’s so new to me. I’ve lost friends in unfortunate accidents, and more extended family members, but your immediate family is so different. Especially when you are so close to each other.

I find myself just wanting to ignore what’s potentially happening and pretend life is as normal as possible, mostly so I can work and focus on things I need to until my time away from work might be needed. My Nonno is a very strong man, the doctors even said he was so strong that his muscles in his body were bending the surgical equipment, and they ended up having to do a different procedure at one point. I know that he will pull through this, and that this has a very good chance of being something thats manageable.

Being an only child, I rely on my friends a lot to help me feel better or to get away and talk about things, but this is the time I wish I had someone who was my age, who was my sibling, that has the same understanding of my family and our history and know better what I’m feeling. Friends help, but its different. Life truly just scares me…and I don’t want to feel scared. So I want to just let out how I’m feeling and move forward not being scared anymore. I love my family so much. They mean the world to me, and are truly my life. I know they’ll never REALLY be gone, even when they pass.

Sorry for the possibly depressing blog post…I’ve just had a lot on my mind and needed to let it out, and what better is a blog for then just that. My release of my thoughts.

Family….I love you. Always. Even if I am not around, I’m always thinking about you, and care. I’m always here and will always be there when you need me. XXOO


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3 thoughts on “Deja Vu

  1. Elizabeth Marek

    This is a beautiful post Devan. It is very healthy and helpful to blog about things that are bothering you and it also helps those close to you to feel not alone when they are going through similar things. You are so loved and so not alone and I know we are not the same as family but you are my family and I ruv you always and forever πŸ™‚ If you ever want to just talk just to talk and let stuff out you know where I am. I’m just a skype call away! Love you!!!


  2. Stephanie Conn

    You are right. What you have is super uncommon now. Your family being so close. Remember back in elementary school when a kid would say his/her parents were getting divorced and we didn’t even know what that meant? It is all to common now for families to be broken and separated. I have been around yours a few times, enough times to know how close you all are. I know this is a really hard time, I feel like so many friends our age are starting to loose those close to them. I know you and I have just started to “get close” again but please know that I am here for you through all that life throws at you. Your in my thoughts often girl. **hugs** πŸ™‚


  3. Marlene

    So sorry to hear about your grandpa’s illness! Trish had mentioned the cancer just briefly in an email while he was in the hospital. I hope that he is doing OK after his recent procedure, and that the cancer continues to be not-too-aggressive. Hugs to you and all your family! You have indeed been a lucky girl to have had such a close and loving clan for all your 28 years – as I’m sure you know.

    P.S. Congrats on your new kid, Mac! He looks adorable.



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